Episode 1: Ramble, Ramble, Complain, Rant. From a recently posted bulletin: "It is growing increasingly hard to tolerate the parentals. I can't even eat without them trying to assert their guardianship. Why can't it be the year 2016 yet? Even the year 2011 would be better than this.... I swear they are trying to me insane."
Episode 2: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, and Love the Atom Bomb OR Notes on a Mental Meltdown.
Where, oh where, to begin? That always seems to be the hardest part about things, huh? The beginning, such a dreadful place. (It should be noted that the word dreadful should not be confused with the word terrible.) For me, I guess everything really started on Sunday.
Sunday morning in my world equates to church. It's tradition, and without it the entire week feels off for me. Well, that morning began with a most joyous car ride in which my parents deciding to berate me for the entire fifteen minutes about how I need tostudy more for Math, stop devoting all my time to Theatre and "stop failing high school". I guess at this point I should mention that I'm failing College Algebra. Shocker, isn't it? Andi, the self-proclaimed slacker genius, is failing a core class. Honestly, if that really shocks you I should probably tell you that I've had to take summer school twice. However, this is the first class that I'm really, really failing in.
Anyways, that whole car ride I just sat their and decided to bide my tongue. Really, what else could I have done? Blowing up in their faces would have just made things even more miserable for me. So with all this being said, I went to church rather angry. (On a side note, you should know that my parents are the only two people in this world who can really make me upset, and If I am downtrodden...well I'm pretty sure you know who to look towards.) Church, church, churchie, churchie, church. Church. I can't live without it, but I most certainly can't live with it. It is a rather complicated relationship that I really don't want to describe right now. If you're just dying to know, talk to me in person... Anywho, after church was over I was probably even more upset than when I first arrived there.
Later on I went to the hair cut place, (I don't really feel comfortable calling it a salon, barbershop, or hair stylist....) which turned into a mini-debacle. My parents then proceeded to berate my existence once again. They also told me to clean my room, which I still haven't done... (Sorry mom & dad)
I think you can tell a lot about a person from their room. After all, it is the place where people tend to feel the most comfortable. I seem to fall outside of "most people" in this case. My room really doesn't feel like me. It just feels like a place I have to come to everyday, no matter what. Areas are either too random or too messy. I guess though, that it is a good metaphor for my life. Random, messy, and in transition. I mean, for goodness sake, there's artwork on the ceiling! So, I guess my room does reflect me in that sense....
Well that night came and went, the sun rose, and it was the beginning of a brand new day. It was all going pretty well until fifth hour. We were watching Gone with the Wind, and it triggered emotions in me. Not anything of romance, but of hopelessness, dread, fear, and a sense of being lost. That's probably one of the few truly "mad" moments I've ever had. I think it was psychic feelings, if you can have such a thing, because later that night, my parents yelled at me even more. Failing classes, possibly putting me in Peoria accelerated, cleaning my room, leaving theatre... I think everything I love, and everything that really makes me, me was teared to shreds in that argument. It still hurts to think about all the things they said...
After that, I kept thinking about how bad, how desperately, I want to leave this place. Not just my house, but also this state. Heck, I want to leave this country one day. That's why I posted about the year 2016, as I see that as a pretty darn good year for me to leave. 2011 will be the year in which I go to college, and the year in which I gain much more freedom. The thing with college though, is that I'm failing this class and I don't know if I will make it there in time. Oh God, I hope that I do. I'm starting to think that I truly "live" in the future. Well, at least my heart does.
Needless to say, I cried that night. The last time I cried was the final Choir Concert in May, previous time before that was nearly two years beforehand. Shows a bit about my character, methinks. I kept crying until I had no tears left to cry.
I tried reaching out to a few of you on myspace, since I can't talk about such things on facebook or twitter. (Another one of the downfalls of parents knowing of social media.) Nobody responded. Typical. I don't usually reach out too others. It's both a burden for me and a blessing. Everyone around me is happy, because I appear happy. No need for them to have an unnecessary burden. However, they also either think that I'm too cold, too distant, or just not open enough. They feel rejected, and when I do reach out...nobody really cares. I've dug myself into a hole. I'm trying to dig myself out though. I'm trying to appear more human, and not so...flimsy. I'm like a magpie, I live for glitter, not you...
Even though I still felt like complete and utter crap for the first half of this morning, I'm feeling better now. Like I can face school and life again. Thanks for those two people I did get to talk to today in person, thank you for suggesting things to me. For the rest of you who didn't notice the signs... oh well. All's forgiven. To the guy I like: I'm sorry you had to witness this little meltdown of mine in which I looked completely needy wanting of attention. I'm not normally so selfish, or needy, I swear. Really. To the reader of this blog: Thanks for reading my ramblings, complaints, and rants. To everyone: I'm honestly trying to fix things. Really. I wouldn't be posting something If I wasn't trying to open up more. I'm going to become bulletproof if I have to, but like all superheroes I will need support. After all, even wonder woman needs sleep.
Hello Ms. R, You made your site simple yet elegant. I see that you have a wide variety of interests and observations here! I like to write articles about Jehovah God on my site to help people to really get to know Him and His plans for us, especially in these troubled times. 2 And God spake unto Moses, and said unto him, I am the LORD: 3 And I appeared unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, by the name of God Almighty, but by my name JEHOVAH was I not known to them. (Exodus 6:2-3) (KJV)
Comments (1)
Hello Ms. R,
You made your site simple yet elegant. I see that you have a wide variety of interests and observations here!
I like to write articles about Jehovah God on my site to help people to really get to know Him and His plans for us, especially in these troubled times. 2 And God spake unto Moses, and said unto him, I am the LORD: 3 And I appeared unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, by the name of God Almighty, but by my name JEHOVAH was I not known to them. (Exodus 6:2-3) (KJV)